Standing here on my soapbox.

Tonight I have a lot of things on my mind. But, what else is new?

I started this blogging experience for a number of reasons. One being so I can continue my love for journaling and writing; one being so I can have a "scrapbook" of what so many people refer to as the best years of your life; one being so I can keep people updated in a more stylistic manner of my year as Miss Country Sunshine, leading up to Miss Tennessee in just 4 short months.

And in 4 short months, a lot can happen. A lot can happen in a day. A lot can happen in a year. In my case, a lot can happen in 5 years. 5 years ago, when I was struggling with my eating disorder. 5 years ago, when I was breaking down. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. That is not to say that I am not still struggling. When someone has an eating disorder, it affects them every single day for the rest of their lives. I have been fortunate enough not to have had a definite relapse. However, like I have just stated, each day is a struggle.

I have wondered whether or not to blog about my illness for quite some time. It is not a matter to take lightly, and I hope that whomever comes across this post will take it to heart and consider the magnitude of the sickness.

Because A) It is a sickness. B) It is not a lifestyle choice. C) It is not something you just "get over." D) It is not to be joked about. - Would you joke about someone with tuberculosis or cancer?

I didn't think so.

It's a fight for someone with an ED every time they see a commercial on TV for the newest, lowest calorie granola bar on the market. Each time they overhear a girl in the next dressing room complaining about how they can't fit into a size 4 dress anymore. Each time they look down at their thighs when driving in their car and unintentionally morph their minds into thinking they've grown 2 cm. Each time they are offered a snack by a friend and naturally calculate the nutritional information off the top of their heads, by habit.

I've had my fair share of these weak moments, but don't underestimate me. I am strong. It takes work, but I am Caroline for a reason. God bless my fiance, Tyler's, soul for putting up with me and my nonsense for so long. It's a wonder how he does it. It's a wonder how my family does it. But together, we're ok. We're normal. Ok, maybe not normal :)

Then....enter the world of pageantry. I love being a pageant girl, wouldn't trade it for all the hairspray or AB stones in Allison Alderson DeMarcus's dressing room! The rewards of being in an MAO family are something that I can take with me for the rest of my life. However, throw the swimsuit competition in there and we have ourselves a "compare-a-palooza" for all contestants (young, old, retired, current, has-been, etc.) Step onto that stage lined with 4,752 lightbulbs and the remarks flood in like a rainstorm. "Must've taken a lot of tricep dips for those arms!" "You see that little jiggle there, on her left butt cheek?" "Lord have mercy look at the cellulite!" "Those chiseled abs!"

Been there, done that. Proud of it. I won prelim swimsuit at my local, and you can bet your Swarovski crystals I am very proud of that. I won that award 10 pounds heavier than I am now. And at the weight I am now, I am being praised, I am being scorned, I am being speculated about, and everything in between. What set off that weight loss was a mix between a bad awful horrendous stomach bug and a minor medical illness. I'm fine, promise! But we all have our problems. Now I am at a crossroads, feeling more vulnerable than ever.

The thing about being labeled as someone who "has had an eating disorder", is that you are under a microscope for the rest of your life. I will always either be perfectly normal, too little, or too big. And that's life. Go figure!

But, I am Caroline. I will always be Caroline. And proud of it. I am Caroline, Miss Country Sunshine with a platform of Eating Disorder Education and Awareness. Caroline, with a passion for exercise, nutrition...and all things baking. Caroline, who is way way way way way too anxious and excited for Miss TN in 4 months.

It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be a wild ride. It's gonna be amazing. Fun, scary, nerve-wracking, and most importantly...unforgettable.

I am stronger than some stupid eating disorder. I make every day a learning experience. I LOVE all my family and friends that raise me up and make life such a rush. And...

I am really excited about getting to share my story with others. I want others to know the ins and outs, ups and downs, and all there is to know in between.

I love each and every one of you. God loves me, God loves everyone. And I'm standing by that for the rest of my journey.

xoxo-C